Tips
on Raising Caring Children
What
does it take to raise a compassionate, moral child? asks Adam Grant (Wharton
School, University of Pennsylvania) in this New
York Times article. Researchers have found that worldwide, this is parents’
number one priority – instilling caring is more important to them than their
children’s achievement. But how much difference do parents make in this area?
Are some children born good-natured and others mean-spirited? Studies of twins
suggest that between one-quarter and one-half of people’s propensity to be kind
is inherited – which means that parents and the environment account for up to
three-quarters. Drawing on the psychological research, Grant has these
suggestions for adults working with children:
•
Praise is more effective than rewards.
If we want to reinforce caring, “Rewards run the risk of leading children to be
kind only when a carrot is offered, whereas praise communicates that sharing is
intrinsically worthwhile for its own sake,” says Grant.
•
With children around 8 years old, praise
character, not actions. Say, for example, “You’re a very nice and helpful
person,” which leads children to internalize being helpful as part of their
identity. However, this approach doesn’t work with younger children, who
haven’t formed a stable sense of self, and with children 10 and older, there’s
no difference in whether they’re praised for character or actions.
•
Nouns work better than verbs. It’s
better to encourage a child to “be a helper” than “to help,” and it’s better to
say, “Please don’t be a cheater” than “Please don’t cheat.” Grant explains:
“When our actions become a reflection of our character, we lean more heavily
toward the moral and generous choices. Over time it can become part of us.”
•
With bad behavior, evoke guilt, not shame.
“Shame is the feeling that I am a bad person, whereas guilt is the feeling that
I have done a bad thing,” says Grant. “Shame is a negative judgment about the
core self, which is devastating; shame makes children feel small and worthless,
and they respond either by lashing out at the target or escaping the situation
altogether. In contrast, guilt is a negative judgment about an action, which
can be repaired by good behavior. When children feel guilt, they tend to
experience remorse and regret, empathize with the person they have harmed, and
aim to make it right.” When parents get angry, withdraw their love, and
threaten punishments, children feel shame and believe they’re bad people. Some
parents are so worried about this dynamic that they fail to discipline their
children – which can get in the way of moral development.
•
With bad behavior, say you’re
disappointed. “[E]xpressing disappointment, explaining why the behavior was
wrong, how it affected others, and how they can rectify the situation,” says
Grant, “enables children to develop standards for judging their actions,
feelings of empathy and responsibility for others, and a sense of moral
identity, which are conducive to becoming a helpful person. The beauty of
expressing disappointment is that it communicates disapproval of the bad
behavior, coupled with high expectations and the potential for improvement:
‘You’re a good person, even if you did a bad thing, and I know you can do
better.’”
•
Model caring and generous behavior. Studies
have shown that children pay more attention to what adults do than what they preach.
“Children learn generosity not by listening to what their role models say, but
by observing what they do,” says Grant.
[There’s an interesting
contrast between these findings and Carol Dweck’s research and advocacy on praising
children for working hard and being strategic rather than for being “smart” – praising
actions rather than innate qualities. It seems there is a difference between
the way researchers think about the development of moral character versus
intelligence. K.M.]
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